Troy: The Abridged Script


Historians suspect Achilles won most battles with the power of his Blue Steel.


FADE IN:

TITLE CARD: It is 3200 years ago, otherwise known as the Post-Gladiator
Period, when Hollywood briefly thought pricey historical epics were a
sound move...

INT.  ANCIENT GREECE

Trojan princes ERIC BANA and his brother ORLANDO BLOOM visit Greek
warlord BRENDAN GLEESON to settle a trade dispute because apparently
director WOLFGANG PETERSEN really loves The Phantom Menace.

                               ERIC BANA
               We have worked hard to achieve peace for
               years, don’t screw it up, Orlando.

                             ORLANDO BLOOM
               Hellenistic fuckboys in the hooooouse! 
               Sorry, what was that about being hard and
               screwing things?

BRENDAN’s wife DIANE KRUGER appears and immediately disrobes in front
of ORLANDO.

                              DIANE KRUGER
               Let me tempt you with some artfully edited
               PG-13 nudity, unless you opt for the
               director’s cut, heh heh.

ORLANDO immediately flees with DIANE.  

INT.  ANCIENT GREECE

BRENDAN visits his brother BRIAN COX.

                            BRENDAN GLEESON
               I need your help to repossess my wife! 
               Also, want to turn your trade war into a
               real war?

                               BRIAN COX
               You had me at misogyny and starting an
               irresponsible foreign conflict.  

Meanwhile, SEAN BEAN looks for the Greek’s greatest warrior BRAD PITT,
who is busy doing aerobic sword dancing with his cousin GARRETT HEDLUND.

                               SEAN BEAN
               You should come to Troy with us, Brad. 
               You’ll be famous.  Also, horny temple
               maidens in the area are looking to FUCK!

BRAD sulks around for a while in his Coachella outfit pretending like he
won’t go.

                               BRAD PITT
               J’adore.  Oops, sorry - with all the
               pouting I’m doing I assumed this was a
               perfume commercial.

                               SEAN BEAN
               Come on, don’t be such a heel!
                 (winks)

                               BRAD PITT
               Ugh, fine.
                 (sails to Troy)

EXT.  TROY

ORLANDO, DIANE, and ERIC meet his wife SAFFRON BURROWS and their BABY
when a STRAY WISP OF COTTON alights on the throne.

                             ORLANDO BLOOM
               Wait...that’s our father Peter
               O’Toole!  

                               ERIC BANA
               You’re our DAD?  You must have had us
               when you were like ninety.

                            PETER O’TOOLE
               Being surrounded by exclusively young
               supermodels certainly won’t draw
               attention to this fact.

The GREEK ARMADA arrives!  BRAD’s ship has black sails, because
PUNISHER STICKERS and TAPOUT haven’t been invented yet.

BRAD attempts to think of an original pre-slaughter speech to pump up
his second-in-command VINCENT REGAN and the rest of the men.

                               BRAD PITT
               Tonight we dine in hell!  No, wait -
               they’ll never take our freedom!  Dammit.
                Uh...Fame!  I’m gonna live forever!

                            GARRETT HEDLUND
               Let me fight too!

                               BRAD PITT
               No.  This beach only has room for one
               moody hunk.

                            GARRETT HEDLUND
               But mooooom!
                 (slams door)
                 (paints chariot black)
                 (etches Linkin Park lyrics onto an
                 amphora)

BRAD immediately hacks his way through half the TROJAN ARMY.

Continue Reading Troy: The Abridged Script…

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