Historians suspect Achilles won most battles with the power of his Blue Steel.
FADE IN: TITLE CARD: It is 3200 years ago, otherwise known as the Post-Gladiator Period, when Hollywood briefly thought pricey historical epics were a sound move... INT. ANCIENT GREECE Trojan princes ERIC BANA and his brother ORLANDO BLOOM visit Greek warlord BRENDAN GLEESON to settle a trade dispute because apparently director WOLFGANG PETERSEN really loves The Phantom Menace. ERIC BANA We have worked hard to achieve peace for years, don’t screw it up, Orlando. ORLANDO BLOOM Hellenistic fuckboys in the hooooouse! Sorry, what was that about being hard and screwing things? BRENDAN’s wife DIANE KRUGER appears and immediately disrobes in front of ORLANDO. DIANE KRUGER Let me tempt you with some artfully edited PG-13 nudity, unless you opt for the director’s cut, heh heh. ORLANDO immediately flees with DIANE. INT. ANCIENT GREECE BRENDAN visits his brother BRIAN COX. BRENDAN GLEESON I need your help to repossess my wife! Also, want to turn your trade war into a real war? BRIAN COX You had me at misogyny and starting an irresponsible foreign conflict. Meanwhile, SEAN BEAN looks for the Greek’s greatest warrior BRAD PITT, who is busy doing aerobic sword dancing with his cousin GARRETT HEDLUND. SEAN BEAN You should come to Troy with us, Brad. You’ll be famous. Also, horny temple maidens in the area are looking to FUCK! BRAD sulks around for a while in his Coachella outfit pretending like he won’t go. BRAD PITT J’adore. Oops, sorry - with all the pouting I’m doing I assumed this was a perfume commercial. SEAN BEAN Come on, don’t be such a heel! (winks) BRAD PITT Ugh, fine. (sails to Troy) EXT. TROY ORLANDO, DIANE, and ERIC meet his wife SAFFRON BURROWS and their BABY when a STRAY WISP OF COTTON alights on the throne. ORLANDO BLOOM Wait...that’s our father Peter O’Toole! ERIC BANA You’re our DAD? You must have had us when you were like ninety. PETER O’TOOLE Being surrounded by exclusively young supermodels certainly won’t draw attention to this fact. The GREEK ARMADA arrives! BRAD’s ship has black sails, because PUNISHER STICKERS and TAPOUT haven’t been invented yet. BRAD attempts to think of an original pre-slaughter speech to pump up his second-in-command VINCENT REGAN and the rest of the men. BRAD PITT Tonight we dine in hell! No, wait - they’ll never take our freedom! Dammit. Uh...Fame! I’m gonna live forever! GARRETT HEDLUND Let me fight too! BRAD PITT No. This beach only has room for one moody hunk. GARRETT HEDLUND But mooooom! (slams door) (paints chariot black) (etches Linkin Park lyrics onto an amphora) BRAD immediately hacks his way through half the TROJAN ARMY.