Historians suspect Achilles won most battles with the power of his Blue Steel.
FADE IN:
TITLE CARD: It is 3200 years ago, otherwise known as the Post-Gladiator
Period, when Hollywood briefly thought pricey historical epics were a
sound move...
INT. ANCIENT GREECE
Trojan princes ERIC BANA and his brother ORLANDO BLOOM visit Greek
warlord BRENDAN GLEESON to settle a trade dispute because apparently
director WOLFGANG PETERSEN really loves The Phantom Menace.
ERIC BANA
We have worked hard to achieve peace for
years, don’t screw it up, Orlando.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Hellenistic fuckboys in the hooooouse!
Sorry, what was that about being hard and
screwing things?
BRENDAN’s wife DIANE KRUGER appears and immediately disrobes in front
of ORLANDO.
DIANE KRUGER
Let me tempt you with some artfully edited
PG-13 nudity, unless you opt for the
director’s cut, heh heh.
ORLANDO immediately flees with DIANE.
INT. ANCIENT GREECE
BRENDAN visits his brother BRIAN COX.
BRENDAN GLEESON
I need your help to repossess my wife!
Also, want to turn your trade war into a
real war?
BRIAN COX
You had me at misogyny and starting an
irresponsible foreign conflict.
Meanwhile, SEAN BEAN looks for the Greek’s greatest warrior BRAD PITT,
who is busy doing aerobic sword dancing with his cousin GARRETT HEDLUND.
SEAN BEAN
You should come to Troy with us, Brad.
You’ll be famous. Also, horny temple
maidens in the area are looking to FUCK!
BRAD sulks around for a while in his Coachella outfit pretending like he
won’t go.
BRAD PITT
J’adore. Oops, sorry - with all the
pouting I’m doing I assumed this was a
perfume commercial.
SEAN BEAN
Come on, don’t be such a heel!
(winks)
BRAD PITT
Ugh, fine.
(sails to Troy)
EXT. TROY
ORLANDO, DIANE, and ERIC meet his wife SAFFRON BURROWS and their BABY
when a STRAY WISP OF COTTON alights on the throne.
ORLANDO BLOOM
Wait...that’s our father Peter
O’Toole!
ERIC BANA
You’re our DAD? You must have had us
when you were like ninety.
PETER O’TOOLE
Being surrounded by exclusively young
supermodels certainly won’t draw
attention to this fact.
The GREEK ARMADA arrives! BRAD’s ship has black sails, because
PUNISHER STICKERS and TAPOUT haven’t been invented yet.
BRAD attempts to think of an original pre-slaughter speech to pump up
his second-in-command VINCENT REGAN and the rest of the men.
BRAD PITT
Tonight we dine in hell! No, wait -
they’ll never take our freedom! Dammit.
Uh...Fame! I’m gonna live forever!
GARRETT HEDLUND
Let me fight too!
BRAD PITT
No. This beach only has room for one
moody hunk.
GARRETT HEDLUND
But mooooom!
(slams door)
(paints chariot black)
(etches Linkin Park lyrics onto an
amphora)
BRAD immediately hacks his way through half the TROJAN ARMY.