Men in Black International: The Abridged Script


“Hey, I thought my annual man-titty exam wasn’t until next week????”


FADE IN:

INT.  NEW YORK

                             TESSA THOMPSON
               Child me rescued an alien and the MIB
               forgot to neuralyze me so I’ve spent my
               entire life trying to find them and now I
               have!

She infiltrates MIB HQ and is caught instantly.

EMMA THOMPSON interrogates her, frowningly.

                             TESSA THOMPSON
               Don’t neuralyze me bro!  I want to join
               your franchise!

                             EMMA THOMPSON
               We don't just hire any crazy person who
               walks in from the MCU, we recruit the best
               of the best of the best of the best.

                             TESSA THOMPSON
               Please Emma?  We both have the same last
               name.

                             EMMA THOMPSON
                 (pause)
               Go on.

                             TESSA THOMPSON
               And I think you look sexy in your MIB
               outfit.  Complimenting your potential
               female boss on her looks and outfit is a
               great way to get hired in 2019, right?

                             EMMA THOMPSON
               I'm not neuralyzing the fuck out of you so
               it must be.
                 (frown reduces by 15%)
               Ok I’ll give you a chance, but first we
               need to show the audience how skilled and
               adept you are at alien policing so let's
               take 2 minutes to update the training
               scene from the first movie with some new
               and wacky tests.

                             TESSA THOMPSON
               That sounds boring so how about you just
               take my word that I'm already the best
               agent ever?  That's how hiring works these
               days right?

                             EMMA THOMPSON
               You're right it is, no testing necessary. 
               I mean sure we made Will Smith compete
               against highly trained military personnel
               to prove his worthiness but he wasn't a
               her-o so welcome to the Men in Black!

                             TESSA THOMPSON
               Whoa whoa hold up, “Men” in Black? 
               This offends me.  It should be “People
               In Black” or “Humans In Black”, as I
               have publicly stated in interviews.

                             EMMA THOMPSON
               So you think a franchise about space
               aliens and headlined by a black man needs
               to be...  more inclusive?  Are you going
               for some kind of irony achievement?

                             TESSA THOMPSON
               Achievepeoplet.

                             EMMA THOMPSON
               Ok first of all the title has historical
               significance and we have all kinds of
               genders, races, and species in our
               organization and I, a female woman, am the
               head of the New York branch despite my
               Britishness so chill the fuck out Anita
               Sarkeesian.  Besides the last franchise to
               take the men out of its title was Dark
               Phoenix which tanked almost as hard as the
               new Hellboy.

                             TESSA THOMPSON
               THERE WAS A NEW HELLBOY MOVIE?!

                             EMMA THOMPSON
               Exactly.  What moron thought rebooting a
               franchise heavily dependent on its
               original actors and director and casting
               all new people was going to work...
                 (slowly turns head)
                 (looks directly into camera)
               Oh dear.

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