“Hey, I thought my annual man-titty exam wasn’t until next week????”
FADE IN: INT. NEW YORK TESSA THOMPSON Child me rescued an alien and the MIB forgot to neuralyze me so I’ve spent my entire life trying to find them and now I have! She infiltrates MIB HQ and is caught instantly. EMMA THOMPSON interrogates her, frowningly. TESSA THOMPSON Don’t neuralyze me bro! I want to join your franchise! EMMA THOMPSON We don't just hire any crazy person who walks in from the MCU, we recruit the best of the best of the best of the best. TESSA THOMPSON Please Emma? We both have the same last name. EMMA THOMPSON (pause) Go on. TESSA THOMPSON And I think you look sexy in your MIB outfit. Complimenting your potential female boss on her looks and outfit is a great way to get hired in 2019, right? EMMA THOMPSON I'm not neuralyzing the fuck out of you so it must be. (frown reduces by 15%) Ok I’ll give you a chance, but first we need to show the audience how skilled and adept you are at alien policing so let's take 2 minutes to update the training scene from the first movie with some new and wacky tests. TESSA THOMPSON That sounds boring so how about you just take my word that I'm already the best agent ever? That's how hiring works these days right? EMMA THOMPSON You're right it is, no testing necessary. I mean sure we made Will Smith compete against highly trained military personnel to prove his worthiness but he wasn't a her-o so welcome to the Men in Black! TESSA THOMPSON Whoa whoa hold up, “Men” in Black? This offends me. It should be “People In Black” or “Humans In Black”, as I have publicly stated in interviews. EMMA THOMPSON So you think a franchise about space aliens and headlined by a black man needs to be... more inclusive? Are you going for some kind of irony achievement? TESSA THOMPSON Achievepeoplet. EMMA THOMPSON Ok first of all the title has historical significance and we have all kinds of genders, races, and species in our organization and I, a female woman, am the head of the New York branch despite my Britishness so chill the fuck out Anita Sarkeesian. Besides the last franchise to take the men out of its title was Dark Phoenix which tanked almost as hard as the new Hellboy. TESSA THOMPSON THERE WAS A NEW HELLBOY MOVIE?! EMMA THOMPSON Exactly. What moron thought rebooting a franchise heavily dependent on its original actors and director and casting all new people was going to work... (slowly turns head) (looks directly into camera) Oh dear.