Introducing Cola-Man! With the power of High Blood Sugar! And his side-kick Sprite!
FADE IN: EXT. CHRISTMAS - 1974 We are introduced to our first potential hero YOUNG MARK STRONG who is magically transported to a NARNIA CAVE and meets old white bearded DJIMON HOUNSOU. YOUNG MARK STRONG Why are you dressed like Blaxxxploitation Gandalf after 5 shots of tequila? DJIMON HOUNSOU I’m a wizard with magical superpowers, but I am old and so I must pass my power onto a worthy child. YOUNG MARK STRONG But why a child specifically? Most kids can’t even be trusted with the Wi-Fi password let alone handling dangerous superpowers. DJIMON HOUNSOU Because them’s the rules. It's my duty to guard the demonic Seven Deadly Sins, which look like murky Pokémon monsters, encased in these statues which I have stored 6 feet away from this evil orb that gives them all their power. YOUNG MARK STRONG Oooh evil orb you say? (is immediately drawn to The Darkside) DJIMON HOUNSOU Holy shit kid, you went straight to the evil. You didn’t even try to stop yourself. YOUNG MARK STRONG Doesn't that mean I'm the chosen Mary Sue? DJIMON HOUNSOU In a Rian Johnson shitfest maybe, but not here! You're drawn to evil so that means you're not worthy! I doom you to a career of playing villains in comic book movies! YOUNG MARK STRONG That doesn't sound so bad. DJIMON HOUNSOU Including GREEN LANTERN!!! YOUNG MARK STRONG NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I vow revenge! I’ll get you for this Black Santa!!!! (is Narnia'd back to the real world) INT. PHILADELPHIA - PRESENT DAY We are introduced to our second potential kid hero ASHER ANGEL who endears himself to the audience by LOCKING SOME COPS IN A STORE and STEALING their cop car. And their LUNCH, which is the REAL dick move. ASHER ANGEL Fuuuuck, I know this looks bad but let me show you this flashback where I got separated from my mom at a carnival when I was little and now I’m an orphan. I’m just using this police laptop to track her down to this address. NOT ASHER’S MOM Wait how are you an orphan? Did the police not go to your mom’s house? Or find her next of kin? Where’s your dad? ASHER ANGEL In jail. NOT ASHER’S MOM So does HE not have any family you could stay with either? How horrible of a little kid were you? ASHER ANGEL I posted our Wi-Fi password on Twitter. NOT ASHER’S MOM (slams door in Asher’s face)