Introducing Cola-Man! With the power of High Blood Sugar! And his side-kick Sprite!
FADE IN:
EXT. CHRISTMAS - 1974
We are introduced to our first potential hero YOUNG MARK STRONG who is
magically transported to a NARNIA CAVE and meets old white bearded
DJIMON HOUNSOU.
YOUNG MARK STRONG
Why are you dressed like Blaxxxploitation
Gandalf after 5 shots of tequila?
DJIMON HOUNSOU
I’m a wizard with magical superpowers,
but I am old and so I must pass my power
onto a worthy child.
YOUNG MARK STRONG
But why a child specifically? Most kids
can’t even be trusted with the Wi-Fi
password let alone handling dangerous
superpowers.
DJIMON HOUNSOU
Because them’s the rules. It's my duty
to guard the demonic Seven Deadly Sins,
which look like murky Pokémon monsters,
encased in these statues which I have
stored 6 feet away from this evil orb that
gives them all their power.
YOUNG MARK STRONG
Oooh evil orb you say?
(is immediately drawn to The Darkside)
DJIMON HOUNSOU
Holy shit kid, you went straight to the
evil. You didn’t even try to stop
yourself.
YOUNG MARK STRONG
Doesn't that mean I'm the chosen Mary Sue?
DJIMON HOUNSOU
In a Rian Johnson shitfest maybe, but not
here! You're drawn to evil so that means
you're not worthy! I doom you to a career
of playing villains in comic book movies!
YOUNG MARK STRONG
That doesn't sound so bad.
DJIMON HOUNSOU
Including GREEN LANTERN!!!
YOUNG MARK STRONG
NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!! I vow revenge!
I’ll get you for this Black Santa!!!!
(is Narnia'd back to the real world)
INT. PHILADELPHIA - PRESENT DAY
We are introduced to our second potential kid hero ASHER ANGEL who
endears himself to the audience by LOCKING SOME COPS IN A STORE and
STEALING their cop car. And their LUNCH, which is the REAL dick move.
ASHER ANGEL
Fuuuuck, I know this looks bad but let me
show you this flashback where I got
separated from my mom at a carnival when I
was little and now I’m an orphan. I’m
just using this police laptop to track her
down to this address.
NOT ASHER’S MOM
Wait how are you an orphan? Did the
police not go to your mom’s house? Or
find her next of kin? Where’s your dad?
ASHER ANGEL
In jail.
NOT ASHER’S MOM
So does HE not have any family you could
stay with either? How horrible of a
little kid were you?
ASHER ANGEL
I posted our Wi-Fi password on Twitter.
NOT ASHER’S MOM
(slams door in Asher’s face)