Shazam!: The Abridged Script

Introducing Cola-Man! With the power of High Blood Sugar! And his side-kick Sprite!



We are introduced to our first potential hero YOUNG MARK STRONG who is
magically transported to a NARNIA CAVE and meets old white bearded

                           YOUNG MARK STRONG
               Why are you dressed like Blaxxxploitation
               Gandalf after 5 shots of tequila?

                             DJIMON HOUNSOU
               I’m a wizard with magical superpowers,
               but I am old and so I must pass my power
               onto a worthy child.

                           YOUNG MARK STRONG
               But why a child specifically?  Most kids
               can’t even be trusted with the Wi-Fi
               password let alone handling dangerous

                             DJIMON HOUNSOU
               Because them’s the rules.  It's my duty
               to guard the demonic Seven Deadly Sins,
               which look like murky Pokémon monsters,
               encased in these statues which I have
               stored 6 feet away from this evil orb that
               gives them all their power.

                           YOUNG MARK STRONG
               Oooh evil orb you say?
                 (is immediately drawn to The Darkside)

                             DJIMON HOUNSOU
               Holy shit kid, you went straight to the
               evil.  You didn’t even try to stop

                           YOUNG MARK STRONG
               Doesn't that mean I'm the chosen Mary Sue?

                             DJIMON HOUNSOU
               In a Rian Johnson shitfest maybe, but not
               here!  You're drawn to evil so that means
               you're not worthy!  I doom you to a career
               of playing villains in comic book movies!

                           YOUNG MARK STRONG
               That doesn't sound so bad.

                             DJIMON HOUNSOU
               Including GREEN LANTERN!!!

                           YOUNG MARK STRONG
               NOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!  I vow revenge! 
               I’ll get you for this Black Santa!!!!
                 (is Narnia'd back to the real world)


We are introduced to our second potential kid hero ASHER ANGEL who
endears himself to the audience by LOCKING SOME COPS IN A STORE and
STEALING their cop car.  And their LUNCH, which is the REAL dick move.

                              ASHER ANGEL
               Fuuuuck, I know this looks bad but let me
               show you this flashback where I got
               separated from my mom at a carnival when I
               was little and now I’m an orphan.  I’m
               just using this police laptop to track her
               down to this address.

                           NOT ASHER’S MOM
               Wait how are you an orphan?  Did the
               police not go to your mom’s house?  Or
               find her next of kin?  Where’s your dad?

                              ASHER ANGEL
               In jail.

                           NOT ASHER’S MOM
               So does HE not have any family you could
               stay with either?  How horrible of a
               little kid were you?

                              ASHER ANGEL
               I posted our Wi-Fi password on Twitter.

                           NOT ASHER’S MOM
                 (slams door in Asher’s face)

Continue Reading Shazam!: The Abridged Script…