“I was so surprised I could actually find a ‘Frustrating Murder Loop’ shirt on Etsy.”
FADE IN: INT. UNIVERSITY LAB Physics students PHI VU, SURAJ SHARMA and SARAH YARKIN are doing SCIENCE STUFF in a COLLEGE LAB, when evil dean STEVE ZISSIS bursts in on them. STEVE ZISSIS Hey gang! I was just watching Ghostbusters, and the bit where the jerk dean kicks them out of college for being flaky pseudo-scientific jackoffs looked SO FUN that I decided to come give it a try myself. So kindly fuck off! PHI VU But we’re just starting to get results! Just yesterday at one past twelve in the morning, our quantum mechanics machine had a huge energy surge and quantumed ALL the mechanics! Who knows what it even did? Why, it might have caused an entire sorta-horror movie’s worth of time loop antics! SURAJ SHARMA Woah, what? Are we seriously going to change the first movie’s premise from vague magic realism to sci-fi gobbledegook? Do you have any idea how much stupider we just made that movie?! SARAH YARKIN Yeah, like, if our machine caused the time loop, how come one random person in the general vicinity kept her memories? How does it make any sense that the trigger for the loop was her death? SURAJ SHARMA And what were the odds that she’d be exposed to this bizarre quantum effect that allowed her to come back from death, on the EXACT day that she wound up dying? Basically, we used to have something ambiguously metaphysical; now we just have bullshit. PHI VU Eh whatever. I’m just gonna follow these creepy texts somebody is sending me, which contain just photos taken of me seconds beforehand. SARAH YARKIN Are you going to check who sent them, ie the first thing anybody does with any text ever? PHI VU Oh God no, that’d be a huge fucking spoiler. He tracks down his creepy texter to a supply closet and it’s the BABY MASK GUY who then STABS HIM DEAD.