“I was so surprised I could actually find a ‘Frustrating Murder Loop’ shirt on Etsy.”
FADE IN:
INT. UNIVERSITY LAB
Physics students PHI VU, SURAJ SHARMA and SARAH YARKIN are doing SCIENCE
STUFF in a COLLEGE LAB, when evil dean STEVE ZISSIS bursts in on them.
STEVE ZISSIS
Hey gang! I was just watching
Ghostbusters, and the bit where the jerk
dean kicks them out of college for being
flaky pseudo-scientific jackoffs looked SO
FUN that I decided to come give it a try
myself. So kindly fuck off!
PHI VU
But we’re just starting to get results!
Just yesterday at one past twelve in the
morning, our quantum mechanics machine had
a huge energy surge and quantumed ALL the
mechanics! Who knows what it even did?
Why, it might have caused an entire
sorta-horror movie’s worth of time loop
antics!
SURAJ SHARMA
Woah, what? Are we seriously going to
change the first movie’s premise from
vague magic realism to sci-fi
gobbledegook? Do you have any idea how
much stupider we just made that movie?!
SARAH YARKIN
Yeah, like, if our machine caused the time
loop, how come one random person in the
general vicinity kept her memories? How
does it make any sense that the trigger
for the loop was her death?
SURAJ SHARMA
And what were the odds that she’d be
exposed to this bizarre quantum effect
that allowed her to come back from death,
on the EXACT day that she wound up dying?
Basically, we used to have something
ambiguously metaphysical; now we just have
bullshit.
PHI VU
Eh whatever. I’m just gonna follow
these creepy texts somebody is sending me,
which contain just photos taken of me
seconds beforehand.
SARAH YARKIN
Are you going to check who sent them, ie
the first thing anybody does with any text
ever?
PHI VU
Oh God no, that’d be a huge fucking
spoiler.
He tracks down his creepy texter to a supply closet and it’s the BABY
MASK GUY who then STABS HIM DEAD.