“Are… are these dragon-sperm?”
EXT. HILLSIDE – THE PAST
YOUNG CGI JAY BARUCHEL looks out over the OCEAN, while his father, CGI
GERARD BUTLER, pontificates.
CGI GERARD BUTLER
Son, someday you will be a great
chieftain, like me. Everything the light
touches will-
YOUNG CGI JAY BARUCHEL
Dad, you’re pulling a Mufasa again.
CGI GERARD BUTLER
Balls. It’s hard to avoid, alright?
Anyway, Jay, somewhere out beyond the sea,
there is a HIDDEN WORLD where dragons
live. It is my desire to find it and
close the entrance between our two realms.
For then, dragons and humans may live in
peace.
YOUNG CGI JAY BARUCHEL
Really? I’m pretty sure you’re
hardcore genocidal for dragons. That’s,
like, your defining character trait. All
this “separate but equal” nonsense is
news to me. I mean, they killed my mom.
CGI GERARD BUTLER
(coughs, pulls collar)
Yup. They sure did that thing. Gosh, can
you imagine how fucked up it would be if
my wife just pissed off to feed rescue
pets instead of raising her child?
YOUNG CGI JAY BARUCHEL
(resting sleepily upon his father’s
shoulder)
I think that’s something I could never
be expected to forgive. Luckily, she’s
dead. Dead, dead, dead.
CGI GERARD BUTLER
Yes. But perhaps she’s looking down on
you, boy. Like the great kings of the
past, who look down on us from the stars,
and-
YOUNG CGI JAY BARUCHEL
Mufasa, dad.
CGI GERARD BUTLER
Fuck.
EXT. DRAGON-CAPTURING SHIP
In the darkness of night, a lone SHIP sails through the briny sea, its
horde of CAGED DRAGONS sleeping on the upper deck.
VIKING DRAGON HUNTER
That’s right, laddies. Keep snoozin’.
Please try not to remember ya fuckin’
breath fire and we’re on a wooden boat.
CGI JAY BARUCHEL
Hey.
VIKING DRAGON HUNTER
GAH! It’s the goose-voiced twink come
to murder me!
CGI JAY BARUCHEL
What? No! Shh, no, please, basically no
one dies in these movies. Even my fire
sword functions more like a police baton.
See?
JAY turns his FIRE-SABER on and instantly lights the ENTIRE SHIP ABLAZE.
CGI JAY BARUCHEL
Shit, how am I still bad at things?
CGI JONAH
HILL/CHRISTOPHER
MINTZ-PLASSE/KRISTEN
WIIG
Probably because you keep hanging out with
us, your hangers-on friends from grade
school with identical, committee-designed
“sassy” personalities straight out of
90’s cereal commercials.
CGI T.J. MILLER
I am also here-
MILLER is eaten by a DRAGON because he’s a FUCKING PSYCHOPATH. His
role will henceforth be filled by ACCLAIMED CHILDREN’S ENTERTAINER
FRED ROGERS.
Continue Reading How To Train Your Dragon: The Hidden World: The Abridged Script…
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