“Are… are these dragon-sperm?”
EXT. HILLSIDE – THE PAST YOUNG CGI JAY BARUCHEL looks out over the OCEAN, while his father, CGI GERARD BUTLER, pontificates. CGI GERARD BUTLER Son, someday you will be a great chieftain, like me. Everything the light touches will- YOUNG CGI JAY BARUCHEL Dad, you’re pulling a Mufasa again. CGI GERARD BUTLER Balls. It’s hard to avoid, alright? Anyway, Jay, somewhere out beyond the sea, there is a HIDDEN WORLD where dragons live. It is my desire to find it and close the entrance between our two realms. For then, dragons and humans may live in peace. YOUNG CGI JAY BARUCHEL Really? I’m pretty sure you’re hardcore genocidal for dragons. That’s, like, your defining character trait. All this “separate but equal” nonsense is news to me. I mean, they killed my mom. CGI GERARD BUTLER (coughs, pulls collar) Yup. They sure did that thing. Gosh, can you imagine how fucked up it would be if my wife just pissed off to feed rescue pets instead of raising her child? YOUNG CGI JAY BARUCHEL (resting sleepily upon his father’s shoulder) I think that’s something I could never be expected to forgive. Luckily, she’s dead. Dead, dead, dead. CGI GERARD BUTLER Yes. But perhaps she’s looking down on you, boy. Like the great kings of the past, who look down on us from the stars, and- YOUNG CGI JAY BARUCHEL Mufasa, dad. CGI GERARD BUTLER Fuck. EXT. DRAGON-CAPTURING SHIP In the darkness of night, a lone SHIP sails through the briny sea, its horde of CAGED DRAGONS sleeping on the upper deck. VIKING DRAGON HUNTER That’s right, laddies. Keep snoozin’. Please try not to remember ya fuckin’ breath fire and we’re on a wooden boat. CGI JAY BARUCHEL Hey. VIKING DRAGON HUNTER GAH! It’s the goose-voiced twink come to murder me! CGI JAY BARUCHEL What? No! Shh, no, please, basically no one dies in these movies. Even my fire sword functions more like a police baton. See? JAY turns his FIRE-SABER on and instantly lights the ENTIRE SHIP ABLAZE. CGI JAY BARUCHEL Shit, how am I still bad at things? CGI JONAH HILL/CHRISTOPHER MINTZ-PLASSE/KRISTEN WIIG Probably because you keep hanging out with us, your hangers-on friends from grade school with identical, committee-designed “sassy” personalities straight out of 90’s cereal commercials. CGI T.J. MILLER I am also here- MILLER is eaten by a DRAGON because he’s a FUCKING PSYCHOPATH. His role will henceforth be filled by ACCLAIMED CHILDREN’S ENTERTAINER FRED ROGERS.